Rookie

Close your eyes. Think about the happiest moment in your life. If you had the choice would you stay that moment forever? If you chose to live in that moment forever nothing will change; everyone who's alive will stay alive, if you're pregnant you will remain pregnant... nothing will change. If you choose to move from that memory everything will change. What would you choose to do?

My American Lit professor asked us this question today in class and it resonated with me on an incredibly profound level. Would I choose to stay in my happiest moment? No. I would choose not to stay in that moment. To be completely honest, I couldn't really pinpoint one  true moment in my life where I felt complete and utter happiness, so much so that it would make me forget that there was life outside of that exact point in time.

Having gone most of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and developing PTSD, my happiest moments were always accompanied by a more intense and memorable moment of depression. My mental instability took a toll on my physical health and further deteriorated my mental health. Throughout my life I've almost always been waiting for the other shoe to drop-- there was always a catch.

Now that I'm in recovery I see that there is hope for my future; this is something that I never thought I'd feel. In my heart I truly believe that in order to fully appreciate happiness and euphoria you have to fight your way through the hardest times that threaten to defeat you. You have to experience rejection, hate, fear; you have to live. 

If I decided to live in the one small memory that brought me happiness I'd miss out on times that would build my character. How am I to know that this moment that I've chosen to live in forever would be the happiest I'll ever be? What if there is something waiting for me in the future that will make me far happier?

I'm a rookie in this life. I have not fallen in love. I have not travelled. I have not lived anywhere other than the home I was brought home from the hospital after birth to. I have not had a published book. I have not performed for a large group of people by myself.

I thought I was in love with someone once and he ended up killing himself two weeks after I started treatment. Two things I learned from that experience: 1: he was out of his suffering. He couldn't feel pain anymore. 2. He was not the one for me. Someone else is out there and one day I will meet them. He never loved me back and he would never have love me back, not the way I loved him.

So no, I would not choose to live in the moment I once felt happy. I need change; I CRAVE change. Being static; being stuck in one place would drive me absolutely insane. Life needs to be lived by us all. There's happier days for us to live. This is not all there is. There is so much more. The beauty of life is its unpredictable and ever changing nature. Maybe you're not happy right now, but that could all change in an instant.

Don't give up. Chose to live.

June 5, 2007: 8th Grade English Paper

This year I have learned many new things about myself. Some things I have learned about myself involved my personality, my writing, and my ability to overcome obstacles. Everything I have learned about myself has made me stronger and more confident.

What I have learned about my personality is that I am different from everyone I know. A lot of people around me have the same personality and act alike. I realized that I am unique and can say that I am different. Although, sometimes, I fell invisible or left our from a group, but I remember that all of the people who leave me out are all the same.

My ability to push past the speed bumps of my life has become stronger and made me realize who I am. This year I have had fights with friends, stress of school, family issues, and plenty more things that have held me back, but I pushed as hard as I could and made it through. Not only have I felt invisible because of my personality, but because I held back and let all of these road blocks keep me from having fun. At points I have felt like being invisible was better because then no one could hurt me, but it takes pain to get through and make it to the parts of life that are worth remembering. I learned that it is now impossible for me to let anything hold me back. As time goes on, my problems get worse, but it only makes me stronger.

Finally, my writing. My writing has become more emotional and has helped me make it through hard times. Now when I write, I write with meaning and appreciate the art. I write because paper doesn't judge. What I put on paper can be erased and ripped up so that no one can see. Also, I know that the paper itself won't spread rumors or tell me that I'm wrong for saying what I think or thinking the way I think. Writing has made my personality better and has helped my ability to push forward without looking back.

I have learned that I am a stronger person.