Friday, January 30, 2015

To Whom It May Concern:

There comes a point when it's hard to decipher what's good and what's bad; over time the lines between the two get blurred. It's awful to start on such a clichéd note, but for the sake of this letter that cliché is important. To be honest life is a cliché. We are all stereotypes and we keep allowing ourselves to live our stereotypical and, quite frankly, archetypical lives. We are like overused tropes in a piece of literature. We try so hard to be different that we end up being exactly like the people and things we don't want to be.

I'm writing this because I'm trying to come to terms with a friendship break up. I've never been in a serious romantic relationship so I can't tell if a friendship break up is worse than that of a romantic one. What I can say is that the abrupt ending felt like I'd been thrown in my jujitsu class and forgot to tuck my chin. It felt like I'd been sucker punched in my gut and all of my breath had been taken away from me. This sounds like an overdramatization, but I promise I've never felt anything like this before.

What I don't understand is why I allowed myself to live in this illusion I created. I don't understand how I got so tangled and so far away from reality that I almost forgot who I was and what I stood for.  I begged and pleaded with myself to end the suffering I was feeling by finally shattering that god-awful funhouse mirror. But there was something so beautiful about the way it made me see myself.

It's funny how someone can make you feel beautiful and ugly all at once. How someone can build you up and keep you safe, only to sweep your legs out from under you and watch you go crashing to the ground. The thing about toxic relationships that no one tells you is this: you don't realize you're in a toxic relationship until it's gone too far. You only realize the true meaning once you've broken your tailbone hitting rock bottom. You only realize what you've done and what they've done once the emotional damage is so embedded in your very existence. 

It's not love or friendship or romance or familial if you're constantly being broken down. Love is not supposed to hurt so bad that you're sad and angry more than you're happy. Jealousy and envy are not part of a happy or healthy relationship or friendship. You are worth more than that, but you don't realize that until you no longer feel what it feels to be happy. Little white lies turn into big white lies and big white lies turn into unfathomable truths. What's the truth behind those lies?

Another thing is this: it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Stop telling yourself that you were stupid to not have seen the truth. The thing about this friendship that ended is that they allowed me to continue to believe in my illusions and they fueled those little sparks of hope. I was on fire at the prospect of my fantasies and wildest dreams coming true. I felt like maybe, for once in my lonesome life, something would go the way I so desperately needed it to go. But what did I need so bad that I would abandon all of the self respect I once had? What was so important about this friendship panning out the way I so desperately wanted it to that I was willing to sacrifice my dignity?

So here I was, the girl in all of the young adult clichéd novels. The girl who falls for the boy who is so clearly not right for her, but he's so handsome and manly and build cars and tells beautiful lies. So I go for it anyway and land on my face. The only difference between my archetype in the literary world and the real world is I never got the guy. 

Life is weird. Life sometimes sucks. But life is beautiful. So to whomever is reading this, allow your life to be beautiful without sacrificing your self respect and your dignity. You are worth every bit of happiness. When that funhouse mirror is shattered and you see your real self practically naked and alone and in your most vulnerable state, let yourself grieve, but only for a moment. After you mourn the loss of your beautiful lie, allow yourself to become. 

If you're still reading this, and I hope you are, please understand that every illusion shatters and those little tiny fragments of broken glass might pierce your skin and scar you, but that scar doesn't define you. Your scar does not mean you were weak. Your scar does not mean that you did nothing right. What is right? What is wrong? How do you unblur those lines once they've already been blurred? You'll figure it out, but only after being cut by the fragments of your shattered illusions. 

No matter what you do, keep going.

Sincerely,
Amy Elisabeth Wright

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Now and Then

Then vs Now. I stumbled upon this on Facebook and thought I'd update it.

About Me... <3

March 21, 2011 at 4:33pm
  1. I'm a vegan and proud of it =) I'm no longer a vegan, but I'm going on 6 years of vegetarianism.
  2. I hate the sound of silverware scraping against glass. This is still true.
  3. Whistling reaaaallly annoys me. This is still VERY true.
  4. I love writing. This is why I'm an English major with a concentration in creative writing.
  5. I want to read as many books as I possibly can. haven't worked very hard at this goal lately, but I still want to read as many books as possible.
  6. I'm petrified of bridges. I have overcome this phobia.
  7. I have panic attacks when I see clowns. ANY CLOWNS. I have overcome this phobia.
  8. I'm afraid of the dark. I have overcome this fear.
  9. I believe in ghosts. Some things never change.
  10. I want to go ghost hunting. I still have not done this and that makes me sad.
  11. I dont trust many people. Does anyone actually really trust anyone?
  12. I believe the world would be a better place if everyone was bisexual. Correction: the world would be a better place if people were more accepting of the LGBT community, but life could be easier if we dismissed those boundaries that we set for ourselves and let ourselves fall in love/lust with the people that make us happy. Your soulmate is not necessarily of the gender you are most attracted to.
  13. I'm agaisnt war. Correction: I am against the excessive use of force to benefit ones own country/religion/political agenda.
  14. I think gay marriage should be legal everywhere. Clearly.
  15. I believe in aliens. ALIENS.
  16. I sing reaally loud when I think no one can hear me. I mean, don't we all?
  17. I have like 5 panic attacks per month. I always knew that this was abnormal, but I was too afraid/ashamed to get help. My panic attacks are few and far between thanks to my bipolar meds and my therapy sessions.
  18. My favorite colors are blue, green and brown. Yup.
  19. I hate wearing skirts, but would love to wear dresses every day if I looked good in them. Ahhhh, things have changed. I love wearing skirts and I look hella good in the right dress.
  20. I'm really weird and I love that. So much weird.
  21. I'm pretty much the bitchiest person you'll ever meet if you get on my bad side. This is true for most people, no?
  22. I don't judge people unless they give me a damn good reason to. Sure, keep telling yourself this, Amy. We all judge everyone every moment of the day, but we pick and choose what we keep in our heads and what we say out loud.
  23. I bet most of the people I tag in this wont read the whole thing, but that's okay. If you're reading this, I'd like to thank you for clicking the link to read my blog.
  24. I stalk peoples lives on facebook when I'm bored. YES I DO. If we're friends on Facebook I've most likely stalked your page.
  25. I love the park. don't go often, but parks are beautiful places.
  26. I hate the beach. I hate the beach in the summer, but in the fall its a wonderful place to be when the sun is setting.
  27. I hate most of the people in Long Branch High School. LOL, true.
  28. I want to be famous. I want to inspire people. I want to be successful. I want to lead a happy life. 
  29. I want to live in the mountains. In Ireland.
  30. Smiling is on my to do list. I remind myself all the time.
  31. I love screamo music. I mean sometimes I do.
  32. I hate rap, unless I'm hyper and want to dance to it. Basically.
  33. I don't dance. Well, I don't dance well. I dance when I'm drunk... you can imagine what that looks like.
  34. Even though I dont dance, I want to dance in the pouring rain in the middle of the street. Yes.
  35. Pennsylvania is my favorite place in the world. Yes and I haven't been in quite a while.
  36. 5 is my favorite number. Always has been.
  37. I often have several crushes at once. This gets me in trouble.
  38. I dont think I'm pretty. I make time every day to look in the mirror and point out one thing about myself that I like that day; sometimes it'll be the same thing for days in a row, but some days its different. I'm learning to love myself, I'm learning to feel beautiful, I'm learning that I need to stop measuring my own beauty based off of someone else's beauty. I am beautiful.
  39. I belive in magic. Not really, but that would be cool.
  40. I want to be a doctor. I used to want to be a veterinarian, but now I want my PhD. in English.
  41. I want to have a huge house when I grow up. I want to have a place that I can call home. A place that I look forward to coming home to each night... that I own... that is all mine.
  42. I believe in the illuminati. Deadass.
  43. Love will find it's way to everyone. Even in my darkest times I've always believed this. Love is a crazy thing and just because you haven't found that romantic type love I guarantee there is someone in your life right now who loves you.
  44. I believe that everyone is faced with several roads they can go down, but only you can choose which one is right for you. Your life is in your hands and you have control over the way you live your life. 
  45. I dont want a funeral when I die, I want a huge celebration with dancing and music and singing. I believe this is called an Irish Funeral? And, yes, I still want this.
  46. I think that I will grow old to be an annoying old lady who offends most people, but people will love me anyway. Yeah...
  47. I have an addiction to food. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. 
  48. I've never been high or drunk or smoked anything... I plan to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Well I have definitely been drunk. Still never been high or smoked anything.
  49. I've been single for too long. LOL. Forever alone. 
  50. I want to live in London. This will hopefully happen in January 2016.
  51. If I help save one person's life before I die, I will be able to rest in peace for all of eternity. Yes.
  52. I dont like wearing my hair up in a pony tail because I feel like I look like a man. Like I've said before, I've learned to love myself. Also, this is basically the only way I wear my hair now.
  53. I fall for people too easily. I don't know what falling is.
  54. Pain is a part of life that I have learned to live with. This is still true, but also untrue. I know how to deal with the pain of failure. I have learned healthy ways to alleviate the physical pains caused by my ailments.
  55. I have type 2 diabetes, PCOS, spina bifida, depression, anxiety, amongst many other things, but thats what makes me.... ME. I am not my disease. CORRECTION: I have PCOS (under control), diabetes (under control), the depression and anxiety happen to be Bipolar Disorder (under control too). I AM NOT MY DISEASE.
  56. I hate bikes and refuse to ride them. Eh, sort of true.
  57. I'm OCD about a lot of things. Not really. 
  58. I hate working out but I do it anyway. I genuinely enjoy working out now.
  59. I laugh alot at stupid things that arent funny. Well, this will always be true.
  60. I talk too much. YUP. 
  61. I don't smile much, but that doesnt mean I'm not happy. I smile a lot and I am generally pretty happy most of the time.
  62. I get hyper easy. This actually wasn't being hyper this was the manic side of my bipolar disorder.
  63. I'm sure I'll update this later with more things. Probably not.
  64. The most unattractive thing for a guy to do is drink smoke and get high. JUST SAYING! I really don't care.
  65. I have the most amazing sister ever... Siobhan. ...I love you Sio.
  66. I cry a lot. I was a very depressed person and I didn't know how to ask for help. It's sad to read these little facts and remember how much pain I was in.
  67. Thanks to Anna Melgar, I love Taylor Swift now. I still love T. Swift.
  68. I hate when people cheat on anything... no matter what it is. I mean they can do what they want with their life.
  69. I put "..." alot when typing. ...True.
  70. I abuse the "!" when texting or commenting. ...True!!
  71. I reaaaally hate being cold or late. Two completely different and unrelated things, but yeah I do hate being cold and late.
  72. My room is blue. It was green, then brown, then green and brown, then blue and brown, then blue and green, and now it's blue again.
  73. I made my own curtains for my windows. I have now invested in real curtains.
  74. I have a custom made bed. I finally got a real bed.
  75. I want to learn how to play the guitar. SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME.
  76. It creeps me out when people walk behind me. Correction: it makes me uncomfortable when people walk too close to me.
  77. I'm watching that 70's show. Golf is playing in the background, but it's drowned out by the sound of my dad snoring.
  78. I'm obsessed with Pretty Little Liars. We will never know who A is.
  79. My shampoo and conditioner have to match. I really don't care.
  80. I'm in love with James Franco <333 He's bae.
  81. Natalie Portman is my favorite actress. She's bae.
  82. Facebook is an addiction. Facebook is bae.
  83. I love french fries... actually, I love any type of potatoe. PO TAH TOE.
  84. I have trust issues. Clearly.
  85. My favorite number is 5. WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS AMY!
  86. I neeeed a job. I NEED A SECOND JOB!
  87. I tend to put manyy letters after words when I type ahhahahah LOL, no.
  88. My car sucks ass. I have a very reliable car.
  89. My middle name is Elisabeth... pronounced E-leesa-beth Get it right, bitch. LOL. It's my biggest pet peeve when people misspell/mispronounce my name.
  90. Fall is my favorite time of the year. Autumn.
  91. Currently, I have Haunted and Change by Taylor Swift stuck in my head, and E.T. by Katy Perry stuck in my head. Chemical Party- Gavin DeGraw.
  92. I want spider bites. Nope.
  93. I want a sleeve tattoo. YES.
  94. I have mastered the art of falling up the stairs. YES. I've ended up in a walking boot for three months because of this.
  95. I'm about to go get my eyebrows done and go shopping. No. I also don't do my eyebrows anymore.
  96. I say mentos funny. Mehn-toughs.
  97. I drink like 10 gallons of water everyday. Not really, but I drink a lot of water.
  98. I really should be doing my homework. Yes.
  99. I hate when people call me annoying. I will literally rip your throat out if you call me annoying.
  100. I meow at people. Sometimes.