Identity Crisis

Friend,

I'm writing you for a number of reasons, one of which is because I seem to be a bit lost. Just the other day I swear I owned a blue dog by the name of Craig, but I woke up this morning to see that Craig was orange and that he was no longer a HE but a SHE named Laila. Friend, I'm afraid that I'm not quite the same person as I was yesterday. I woke this morning to the green butterflies singing my favorite song out of tune. Friend, I'm afraid I'm not quite the same person I was last week. Just an hour ago I went for a walk and half way through I realized that I was wearing two different shoes and that my pants had disappeared entirely! Could you imagine! Friend, I was thinking about the time when we sat around my table at three in the morning talking about the lack of purple elephants in the world. Since that conversation I have dreamt of nothing but purple elephants; just the other night I dreamt of freeing purple elephants from the most evil of circuses. The elephants wore thigh high tights and were forced to spin in circles around the ringmaster with pink hair. Friend, I miss you. Friend, lets rekindle our lost flame. Friend, I went on a walk and crunched many freshly fallen autumn leaves and imagined that they were his face. You would be proud of me, friend, as I'm finally coming around to the idea that this is purely platonic. Friend, I'm afraid that I'm not the same person as I was when I began this letter. Sometimes I look at my fingers and forget all of the pain they've caused me. I forget the times they scratched the skin from my face and left scars across my skin. Friend, I'm not the same and I think thats ok, but how am I supposed to know? Friend, sometimes I'm really lonely. Friend, I thought that there was something a bit less platonic about him, but I was very wrong. Friend, I'm lost. I also wanted to write you today because I wanted to let you know that I'M VERY HAPPY with where I'm at in this very moment, but I'm just a little lonely sometimes.

Friend, I sincerely hope that you are happy. Write me back sometime.

Rookie

Close your eyes. Think about the happiest moment in your life. If you had the choice would you stay that moment forever? If you chose to live in that moment forever nothing will change; everyone who's alive will stay alive, if you're pregnant you will remain pregnant... nothing will change. If you choose to move from that memory everything will change. What would you choose to do?

My American Lit professor asked us this question today in class and it resonated with me on an incredibly profound level. Would I choose to stay in my happiest moment? No. I would choose not to stay in that moment. To be completely honest, I couldn't really pinpoint one  true moment in my life where I felt complete and utter happiness, so much so that it would make me forget that there was life outside of that exact point in time.

Having gone most of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and developing PTSD, my happiest moments were always accompanied by a more intense and memorable moment of depression. My mental instability took a toll on my physical health and further deteriorated my mental health. Throughout my life I've almost always been waiting for the other shoe to drop-- there was always a catch.

Now that I'm in recovery I see that there is hope for my future; this is something that I never thought I'd feel. In my heart I truly believe that in order to fully appreciate happiness and euphoria you have to fight your way through the hardest times that threaten to defeat you. You have to experience rejection, hate, fear; you have to live. 

If I decided to live in the one small memory that brought me happiness I'd miss out on times that would build my character. How am I to know that this moment that I've chosen to live in forever would be the happiest I'll ever be? What if there is something waiting for me in the future that will make me far happier?

I'm a rookie in this life. I have not fallen in love. I have not travelled. I have not lived anywhere other than the home I was brought home from the hospital after birth to. I have not had a published book. I have not performed for a large group of people by myself.

I thought I was in love with someone once and he ended up killing himself two weeks after I started treatment. Two things I learned from that experience: 1: he was out of his suffering. He couldn't feel pain anymore. 2. He was not the one for me. Someone else is out there and one day I will meet them. He never loved me back and he would never have love me back, not the way I loved him.

So no, I would not choose to live in the moment I once felt happy. I need change; I CRAVE change. Being static; being stuck in one place would drive me absolutely insane. Life needs to be lived by us all. There's happier days for us to live. This is not all there is. There is so much more. The beauty of life is its unpredictable and ever changing nature. Maybe you're not happy right now, but that could all change in an instant.

Don't give up. Chose to live.