Who Am I?

I've been called a walking medical journal my entire life. There are so many things, medically, wrong with me. I don't really care to dwell much on the specifics, but know that most of my life I've spent sitting in doctors office and emergency room waiting areas. I went through more than enough shitty situations to last me three lifetimes. I've been bullied to the point where I was ready to give up for good. It took me a really long time to bring myself to the point in which I was able to ask for help. 

Landing myself in group and individual therapy, I finally realized that I had the ability to be happy and healthy so long as I made a conscious effort to better my life. Once I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD, I was medicated and almost instantaneously I felt like a brand new person. There were these moments where I swear I could conquer all of my fears right then and there. Almost a year later, I've had barely any bipolar episodes and very few PTSD episodes. I'm not cured, but I am getting better. I'm finally happy.

Being a person who spent most of her life in doctors offices and being in a consistent and unrelenting state of depression, I developed a very particular style. I wore big t-shirts and sweats. Jeans were not items of clothing that I opted to wear. I should probably add that I am considered to be "plus sized," but I consider myself an inbetweeny. The clothes for "normal" people are too small for me and the "plus sized" clothes are too big. Leggings, sweats, and over sized shirts were my go-to articles of clothing. 

Fashion was the least of my worries though. It didn't matter what I wore because I would still get bullied. Nice clothing wasn't going to rid me of all of my health problems; it wouldn't make me thin or healthy. My increasing apathy toward anything fashionable became more and more intense everyday... up until recently. Being on mood stabilizers takes away my depression and anxiety, which makes it easier for me to be happy and sociable. I'm not happy with my wardrobe these days, especially since I've been working at Old Navy. So I've taken it upon myself to start investing in some nice clothing that will flatter me whilst still being comfortable (well at least somewhat comfortable.) It's not easy going from being someone who couldn't care less about what I wore to being someone who wants to wear trendy clothing that will make me happy.

Obviously having a good fashion sense wont rid me of my diseases... I know that and always have, but what a good fashion sense can do for me is make me more confident. People who say they don't dress nice for other people are lying. Yes, I want to look good for me, but would it be so terrible to dress nice to impress others? I mean I have been single for way too long and my wardrobe now will not draw anyone's eye right to me. Anyone who says that physical attractiveness and style shouldn't play a role in finding "the one" or anyone for that matter is delusional. Clearly I don't want someone to ask me on a date just because of the way I look, but would it hurt to make a statement and help that person see just how confident I am? I don't think so.

So this is me... reinventing myself. Becoming the stylish and confident woman I long to be. How hard can it be? I work in a clothing store in a mall with other clothing stores. The people I work with are trendy and they are pretty nice people whom I'm sure would be more than willing to help me out. I'm starting to really understand who I am and what I'm capable of... so this will be another step in becoming myself.