Anniversary

Three years ago today I seriously contemplated suicide for the second time in my life. I held a bottle of pills in my hands for an hour before I emptied its entire contents into my mouth, but when I brought the glass of water to my mouth I couldn't allow myself to swallow. I spit the pills into my bedside garbage and cried; my second attempt at suicide had failed. There would have been no note for my family or friends to read which would explain why I felt I needed to take my life, because, in my head, I was not worthy of a note. I'd been bullied for a major portion of my life and I was made to feel small and insignificant. In the years that I was belittled, those words became my truth; I was small, insignificant, and the world would be a better place without me.

I remember going in to the kitchen where my dad was watching tv. My stomach was in knots and there was a lump in my throat that would not go away. I looked at my dad and said "I need help." He asked what I meant and I told him that I needed to see a paychiatrist and a therapist. He asked me what was wrong; it took me a little while to think about it and when the answer finally came to me I looked him in the eyes and said "everything." In that moment I released every emotion I'd been bottling up that day and cried hysterically. 

Since my dad works in the behavioral health field he got me an appointment right away. On August 9th I went to my first appointment with a therapist. Three weeks later I saw the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Socialphobia. We decided that intensive therapy and medication were my best bet; I went to group and individual therapy once every week, and saw my psychiatrist every month.

At first it was a bit discouraging because I wanted that instant satisfaction; I wanted my medication to take away the pain and the memories and the nightmares, but it wasn't and isn't that easy. Every single day since three years ago I have battled my own mind and some days I wanted to quit and give in to the voices in my head that were telling me that I'd never get better. I am stronger now. 

I've lost so many people to suicide and addictions; I couldn't allow myself to be another one. The strongest thing I ever did was ask for help. Admitting you need help is not admitting weakness. Admitting you need help is admitting that you just need a hand to help guide you along this long dark tunnel you've been lost in. 

It will be three years in December since the last time I purposely harmed myself. Three years later I still go to therapy each week and take the medication that keeps me level. Life is still terrifying and I'm not healed, but today I am alive and that's all that matters. Some of my happiest days were lived in these past three years; days that I never would have known if I'd swallowed those pills. I don't know what it was that kept me from doing it, but I'm so happy I didn't.

Life gets better if you allow it to.

To Whom It May Concern:

There comes a point when it's hard to decipher what's good and what's bad; over time the lines between the two get blurred. It's awful to start on such a clichéd note, but for the sake of this letter that cliché is important. To be honest life is a cliché. We are all stereotypes and we keep allowing ourselves to live our stereotypical and, quite frankly, archetypical lives. We are like overused tropes in a piece of literature. We try so hard to be different that we end up being exactly like the people and things we don't want to be.

I'm writing this because I'm trying to come to terms with a friendship break up. I've never been in a serious romantic relationship so I can't tell if a friendship break up is worse than that of a romantic one. What I can say is that the abrupt ending felt like I'd been thrown in my jujitsu class and forgot to tuck my chin. It felt like I'd been sucker punched in my gut and all of my breath had been taken away from me. This sounds like an overdramatization, but I promise I've never felt anything like this before.

What I don't understand is why I allowed myself to live in this illusion I created. I don't understand how I got so tangled and so far away from reality that I almost forgot who I was and what I stood for.  I begged and pleaded with myself to end the suffering I was feeling by finally shattering that god-awful funhouse mirror. But there was something so beautiful about the way it made me see myself.

It's funny how someone can make you feel beautiful and ugly all at once. How someone can build you up and keep you safe, only to sweep your legs out from under you and watch you go crashing to the ground. The thing about toxic relationships that no one tells you is this: you don't realize you're in a toxic relationship until it's gone too far. You only realize the true meaning once you've broken your tailbone hitting rock bottom. You only realize what you've done and what they've done once the emotional damage is so embedded in your very existence. 

It's not love or friendship or romance or familial if you're constantly being broken down. Love is not supposed to hurt so bad that you're sad and angry more than you're happy. Jealousy and envy are not part of a happy or healthy relationship or friendship. You are worth more than that, but you don't realize that until you no longer feel what it feels to be happy. Little white lies turn into big white lies and big white lies turn into unfathomable truths. What's the truth behind those lies?

Another thing is this: it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Stop telling yourself that you were stupid to not have seen the truth. The thing about this friendship that ended is that they allowed me to continue to believe in my illusions and they fueled those little sparks of hope. I was on fire at the prospect of my fantasies and wildest dreams coming true. I felt like maybe, for once in my lonesome life, something would go the way I so desperately needed it to go. But what did I need so bad that I would abandon all of the self respect I once had? What was so important about this friendship panning out the way I so desperately wanted it to that I was willing to sacrifice my dignity?

So here I was, the girl in all of the young adult clichéd novels. The girl who falls for the boy who is so clearly not right for her, but he's so handsome and manly and build cars and tells beautiful lies. So I go for it anyway and land on my face. The only difference between my archetype in the literary world and the real world is I never got the guy. 

Life is weird. Life sometimes sucks. But life is beautiful. So to whomever is reading this, allow your life to be beautiful without sacrificing your self respect and your dignity. You are worth every bit of happiness. When that funhouse mirror is shattered and you see your real self practically naked and alone and in your most vulnerable state, let yourself grieve, but only for a moment. After you mourn the loss of your beautiful lie, allow yourself to become. 

If you're still reading this, and I hope you are, please understand that every illusion shatters and those little tiny fragments of broken glass might pierce your skin and scar you, but that scar doesn't define you. Your scar does not mean you were weak. Your scar does not mean that you did nothing right. What is right? What is wrong? How do you unblur those lines once they've already been blurred? You'll figure it out, but only after being cut by the fragments of your shattered illusions. 

No matter what you do, keep going.

Sincerely,

Amy Elisabeth Wright

Now and Then

Then vs Now. I stumbled upon this on Facebook and thought I'd update it.

About Me... <3

March 21, 2011 at 4:33pm

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1. I'm a vegan and proud of it =) I'm no longer a vegan, but I'm going on 6 years of vegetarianism.
2. I hate the sound of silverware scraping against glass. This is still true.
3. Whistling reaaaallly annoys me. This is still VERY true.
4. I love writing. This is why I'm an English major with a concentration in creative writing.
5. I want to read as many books as I possibly can. I haven't worked very hard at this goal lately, but I still want to read as many books as possible.
6. I'm petrified of bridges. I have overcome this phobia.
7. I have panic attacks when I see clowns. ANY CLOWNS. I have overcome this phobia.
8. I'm afraid of the dark. I have overcome this fear.
9. I believe in ghosts. Some things never change.
10. I want to go ghost hunting. I still have not done this and that makes me sad.
11. I dont trust many people. Does anyone actually really trust anyone?
12. I believe the world would be a better place if everyone was bisexual. Correction: the world would be a better place if people were more accepting of the LGBT community, but life could be easier if we dismissed those boundaries that we set for ourselves and let ourselves fall in love/lust with the people that make us happy. Your soulmate is not necessarily of the gender you are most attracted to.
13. I'm agaisnt war. Correction: I am against the excessive use of force to benefit ones own country/religion/political agenda.
14. I think gay marriage should be legal everywhere. Clearly.
15. I believe in aliens. ALIENS.
16. I sing reaally loud when I think no one can hear me. I mean, don't we all?
17. I have like 5 panic attacks per month. I always knew that this was abnormal, but I was too afraid/ashamed to get help. My panic attacks are few and far between thanks to my bipolar meds and my therapy sessions.
18. My favorite colors are blue, green and brown. Yup.
19. I hate wearing skirts, but would love to wear dresses every day if I looked good in them. Ahhhh, things have changed. I love wearing skirts and I look hella good in the right dress.
20. I'm really weird and I love that. So much weird.
21. I'm pretty much the bitchiest person you'll ever meet if you get on my bad side. This is true for most people, no?
22. I don't judge people unless they give me a damn good reason to. Sure, keep telling yourself this, Amy. We all judge everyone every moment of the day, but we pick and choose what we keep in our heads and what we say out loud.
23. I bet most of the people I tag in this wont read the whole thing, but that's okay. If you're reading this, I'd like to thank you for clicking the link to read my blog.
24. I stalk peoples lives on facebook when I'm bored. YES I DO. If we're friends on Facebook I've most likely stalked your page.
25. I love the park. I don't go often, but parks are beautiful places.
26. I hate the beach. I hate the beach in the summer, but in the fall its a wonderful place to be when the sun is setting.
27. I hate most of the people in Long Branch High School. LOL, true.
28. I want to be famous. I want to inspire people. I want to be successful. I want to lead a happy life. 
29. I want to live in the mountains. In Ireland.
30. Smiling is on my to do list. I remind myself all the time.
31. I love screamo music. I mean sometimes I do.
32. I hate rap, unless I'm hyper and want to dance to it. Basically.
33. I don't dance. Well, I don't dance well. I dance when I'm drunk... you can imagine what that looks like.
34. Even though I dont dance, I want to dance in the pouring rain in the middle of the street. Yes.
35. Pennsylvania is my favorite place in the world. Yes and I haven't been in quite a while.
36. 5 is my favorite number. Always has been.
37. I often have several crushes at once. This gets me in trouble.
38. I dont think I'm pretty. I make time every day to look in the mirror and point out one thing about myself that I like that day; sometimes it'll be the same thing for days in a row, but some days its different. I'm learning to love myself, I'm learning to feel beautiful, I'm learning that I need to stop measuring my own beauty based off of someone else's beauty. I am beautiful.
39. I belive in magic. Not really, but that would be cool.
40. I want to be a doctor. I used to want to be a veterinarian, but now I want my PhD. in English.
41. I want to have a huge house when I grow up. I want to have a place that I can call home. A place that I look forward to coming home to each night... that I own... that is all mine.
42. I believe in the illuminati. Deadass.
43. Love will find it's way to everyone. Even in my darkest times I've always believed this. Love is a crazy thing and just because you haven't found that romantic type love I guarantee there is someone in your life right now who loves you.
44. I believe that everyone is faced with several roads they can go down, but only you can choose which one is right for you. Your life is in your hands and you have control over the way you live your life. 
45. I dont want a funeral when I die, I want a huge celebration with dancing and music and singing. I believe this is called an Irish Funeral? And, yes, I still want this.
46. I think that I will grow old to be an annoying old lady who offends most people, but people will love me anyway. Yeah...
47. I have an addiction to food. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. 
48. I've never been high or drunk or smoked anything... I plan to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Well I have definitely been drunk. Still never been high or smoked anything.
49. I've been single for too long. LOL. Forever alone. 
50. I want to live in London. This will hopefully happen in January 2016.
51. If I help save one person's life before I die, I will be able to rest in peace for all of eternity. Yes.
52. I dont like wearing my hair up in a pony tail because I feel like I look like a man. Like I've said before, I've learned to love myself. Also, this is basically the only way I wear my hair now.
53. I fall for people too easily. I don't know what falling is.
54. Pain is a part of life that I have learned to live with. This is still true, but also untrue. I know how to deal with the pain of failure. I have learned healthy ways to alleviate the physical pains caused by my ailments.
55. I have type 2 diabetes, PCOS, spina bifida, depression, anxiety, amongst many other things, but thats what makes me.... ME. I am not my disease. CORRECTION: I have PCOS (under control), diabetes (under control), the depression and anxiety happen to be Bipolar Disorder (under control too). I AM NOT MY DISEASE.
56. I hate bikes and refuse to ride them. Eh, sort of true.
57. I'm OCD about a lot of things. Not really. 
58. I hate working out but I do it anyway. I genuinely enjoy working out now.
59. I laugh alot at stupid things that arent funny. Well, this will always be true.
60. I talk too much. YUP. 
61. I don't smile much, but that doesnt mean I'm not happy. I smile a lot and I am generally pretty happy most of the time.
62. I get hyper easy. This actually wasn't being hyper this was the manic side of my bipolar disorder.
63. I'm sure I'll update this later with more things. Probably not.
64. The most unattractive thing for a guy to do is drink smoke and get high. JUST SAYING! I really don't care.
65. I have the most amazing sister ever... Siobhan. ...I love you Sio.
66. I cry a lot. I was a very depressed person and I didn't know how to ask for help. It's sad to read these little facts and remember how much pain I was in.
67. Thanks to Anna Melgar, I love Taylor Swift now. I still love T. Swift.
68. I hate when people cheat on anything... no matter what it is. I mean they can do what they want with their life.
69. I put "..." alot when typing. ...True.
70. I abuse the "!" when texting or commenting. ...True!!
71. I reaaaally hate being cold or late. Two completely different and unrelated things, but yeah I do hate being cold and late.
72. My room is blue. It was green, then brown, then green and brown, then blue and brown, then blue and green, and now it's blue again.
73. I made my own curtains for my windows. I have now invested in real curtains.
74. I have a custom made bed. I finally got a real bed.
75. I want to learn how to play the guitar. SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME.
76. It creeps me out when people walk behind me. Correction: it makes me uncomfortable when people walk too close to me.
77. I'm watching that 70's show. Golf is playing in the background, but it's drowned out by the sound of my dad snoring.
78. I'm obsessed with Pretty Little Liars. We will never know who A is.
79. My shampoo and conditioner have to match. I really don't care.
80. I'm in love with James Franco <333 He's bae.
81. Natalie Portman is my favorite actress. She's bae.
82. Facebook is an addiction. Facebook is bae.
83. I love french fries... actually, I love any type of potatoe. PO TAH TOE.
84. I have trust issues. Clearly.
85. My favorite number is 5. WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS AMY!
86. I neeeed a job. I NEED A SECOND JOB!
87. I tend to put manyy letters after words when I type ahhahahah LOL, no.
88. My car sucks ass. I have a very reliable car.
89. My middle name is Elisabeth... pronounced E-leesa-beth Get it right, bitch. LOL. It's my biggest pet peeve when people misspell/mispronounce my name.
90. Fall is my favorite time of the year. Autumn.
91. Currently, I have Haunted and Change by Taylor Swift stuck in my head, and E.T. by Katy Perry stuck in my head. Chemical Party- Gavin DeGraw.
92. I want spider bites. Nope.
93. I want a sleeve tattoo. YES.
94. I have mastered the art of falling up the stairs. YES. I've ended up in a walking boot for three months because of this.
95. I'm about to go get my eyebrows done and go shopping. No. I also don't do my eyebrows anymore.
96. I say mentos funny. Mehn-toughs.
97. I drink like 10 gallons of water everyday. Not really, but I drink a lot of water.
98. I really should be doing my homework. Yes.
99. I hate when people call me annoying. I will literally rip your throat out if you call me annoying.
100. I meow at people. Sometimes.

Identity Crisis

Friend,

I'm writing you for a number of reasons, one of which is because I seem to be a bit lost. Just the other day I swear I owned a blue dog by the name of Craig, but I woke up this morning to see that Craig was orange and that he was no longer a HE but a SHE named Laila. Friend, I'm afraid that I'm not quite the same person as I was yesterday. I woke this morning to the green butterflies singing my favorite song out of tune. Friend, I'm afraid I'm not quite the same person I was last week. Just an hour ago I went for a walk and half way through I realized that I was wearing two different shoes and that my pants had disappeared entirely! Could you imagine! Friend, I was thinking about the time when we sat around my table at three in the morning talking about the lack of purple elephants in the world. Since that conversation I have dreamt of nothing but purple elephants; just the other night I dreamt of freeing purple elephants from the most evil of circuses. The elephants wore thigh high tights and were forced to spin in circles around the ringmaster with pink hair. Friend, I miss you. Friend, lets rekindle our lost flame. Friend, I went on a walk and crunched many freshly fallen autumn leaves and imagined that they were his face. You would be proud of me, friend, as I'm finally coming around to the idea that this is purely platonic. Friend, I'm afraid that I'm not the same person as I was when I began this letter. Sometimes I look at my fingers and forget all of the pain they've caused me. I forget the times they scratched the skin from my face and left scars across my skin. Friend, I'm not the same and I think thats ok, but how am I supposed to know? Friend, sometimes I'm really lonely. Friend, I thought that there was something a bit less platonic about him, but I was very wrong. Friend, I'm lost. I also wanted to write you today because I wanted to let you know that I'M VERY HAPPY with where I'm at in this very moment, but I'm just a little lonely sometimes.

Friend, I sincerely hope that you are happy. Write me back sometime.

Rookie

Close your eyes. Think about the happiest moment in your life. If you had the choice would you stay that moment forever? If you chose to live in that moment forever nothing will change; everyone who's alive will stay alive, if you're pregnant you will remain pregnant... nothing will change. If you choose to move from that memory everything will change. What would you choose to do?

My American Lit professor asked us this question today in class and it resonated with me on an incredibly profound level. Would I choose to stay in my happiest moment? No. I would choose not to stay in that moment. To be completely honest, I couldn't really pinpoint one  true moment in my life where I felt complete and utter happiness, so much so that it would make me forget that there was life outside of that exact point in time.

Having gone most of my life with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and developing PTSD, my happiest moments were always accompanied by a more intense and memorable moment of depression. My mental instability took a toll on my physical health and further deteriorated my mental health. Throughout my life I've almost always been waiting for the other shoe to drop-- there was always a catch.

Now that I'm in recovery I see that there is hope for my future; this is something that I never thought I'd feel. In my heart I truly believe that in order to fully appreciate happiness and euphoria you have to fight your way through the hardest times that threaten to defeat you. You have to experience rejection, hate, fear; you have to live. 

If I decided to live in the one small memory that brought me happiness I'd miss out on times that would build my character. How am I to know that this moment that I've chosen to live in forever would be the happiest I'll ever be? What if there is something waiting for me in the future that will make me far happier?

I'm a rookie in this life. I have not fallen in love. I have not travelled. I have not lived anywhere other than the home I was brought home from the hospital after birth to. I have not had a published book. I have not performed for a large group of people by myself.

I thought I was in love with someone once and he ended up killing himself two weeks after I started treatment. Two things I learned from that experience: 1: he was out of his suffering. He couldn't feel pain anymore. 2. He was not the one for me. Someone else is out there and one day I will meet them. He never loved me back and he would never have love me back, not the way I loved him.

So no, I would not choose to live in the moment I once felt happy. I need change; I CRAVE change. Being static; being stuck in one place would drive me absolutely insane. Life needs to be lived by us all. There's happier days for us to live. This is not all there is. There is so much more. The beauty of life is its unpredictable and ever changing nature. Maybe you're not happy right now, but that could all change in an instant.

Don't give up. Chose to live.

June 5, 2007: 8th Grade English Paper

This year I have learned many new things about myself. Some things I have learned about myself involved my personality, my writing, and my ability to overcome obstacles. Everything I have learned about myself has made me stronger and more confident.

What I have learned about my personality is that I am different from everyone I know. A lot of people around me have the same personality and act alike. I realized that I am unique and can say that I am different. Although, sometimes, I fell invisible or left our from a group, but I remember that all of the people who leave me out are all the same.

My ability to push past the speed bumps of my life has become stronger and made me realize who I am. This year I have had fights with friends, stress of school, family issues, and plenty more things that have held me back, but I pushed as hard as I could and made it through. Not only have I felt invisible because of my personality, but because I held back and let all of these road blocks keep me from having fun. At points I have felt like being invisible was better because then no one could hurt me, but it takes pain to get through and make it to the parts of life that are worth remembering. I learned that it is now impossible for me to let anything hold me back. As time goes on, my problems get worse, but it only makes me stronger.

Finally, my writing. My writing has become more emotional and has helped me make it through hard times. Now when I write, I write with meaning and appreciate the art. I write because paper doesn't judge. What I put on paper can be erased and ripped up so that no one can see. Also, I know that the paper itself won't spread rumors or tell me that I'm wrong for saying what I think or thinking the way I think. Writing has made my personality better and has helped my ability to push forward without looking back.

I have learned that I am a stronger person.

Embrace The Mullet

For some reason I thought it'd be a great idea to chop all of my hair off in March. It was something I always said I'd like to try some time in my life. Yeah, I liked it for about two weeks, but then I finally had that "oh my god" moment one morning. I no longer had long flowing locks of golden blonde... instead I had choppy waves of fire-engine red. 

Some how I'd gone from this:

  to this: to this: 

*FACEPALM*

Growing out a pixie cut is one of the most annoying journeys I've ever embarked upon. And yes it is a journey. Being the internet addict that I am I researched every possible way to make my hair grow faster. Now, I was blessed with bionic hair that grows at ungodly rates, but that still wasn't enough for me. I took supplements, bought special shampoos, stopped using heat, and waited *impatiently* to see results. Did any of them actually help? I have no idea, but i like to believe that they did. Whenever I took the biotin or vitamin D, I created this idea in my head that it was giving me some sort of hair super power. 

Most of the blogs and videos I've watched about growing out and styling the growing pixie told me that I should chop the mullet; believe me I've wanted to. But I find that useless and, quite frankly, contradictory. Embrace the mullet. Wait it out. Styling your hair properly will disguise that mullet and help you through the painfully slow process of growing hair. I'm finally past the pre-pubescent Justin Bieber phase and almost out of the Billy Ray Cyrus mullet era. So here are some of my go-to styles that have helped me surpass the dreadfully unpleasant task of growing out a pixie cut.

Some of my products include:

• Vidal Sassoon shampoo and conditioner
• Sebastian Professional Matte Putty
• Sebastian Professional flexible bodifying-liquigel texturizer
• Moroccan Argan Oil liquid
• Moroccan Argan Oil Spray
• Garnier Fructis Leave-In Conditioner
• Aussie Flexible Hold Hair Spray

The first style is first phase of growth, when you've entered the Justin Bieber phase:

With damp, towel dried hair, work a small mixture of leave-in conditioner and Moroccan oil evenly into your hair. Then work in a small mixture of matte putty and/or texturizer evenly into your hair. Make a dramatic side part and create a french twist on the larger part of your hair. Bobby pin the twists to the side of your head. Spray an even coat of hair spray over your hair. Make sure to lift the smaller section of your hair and spray the hair spray in layers to better hold that side down. Spritz some of he Moroccan Oil spray over your hair... then you're done!

This just pulls the hair out of your face and creates the illusion that your hair is still in a tamed pixie cut.

If you don't feel like styling your hair, you can accessorize. This phase is perfect for head bands and scarves:

Now these next few styles are good for the Billy Ray Cyrus Mullet Phase:

Very similar to the first french twist style from earlier, you create a less dramatic side part and make a french twist in both sections. This pulls the focus away from the bottom back part of your hair and creates the illusion that you have a short bob and you're just pulling the front back.

 














The next style is very simple. This style is for the phase at the end of your Billy Ray Cyrus Era.

 Section the top part of your hair and pull it up into a half-up-half-down do. Bobby pin the stray hairs and style how ever you want. Spritz the Moroccan Argan Oil evenly over hair to create a nice shine.

Be patient with your hair! Resist the urge to cut it again because eventually you'll be back to your long flowing locks, but it takes time.